I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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