matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
