i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize