I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
