Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
