He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
