next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
