instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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