when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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