party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
