You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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