I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
