At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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