I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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