I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
