i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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