I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize