Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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