I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
