The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize