I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
