my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize