I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
