Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
