Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
