Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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