My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
