john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are we still banned from the library?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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