I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
