My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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