I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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