I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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