I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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