I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
