Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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