Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
