If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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