Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
