I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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