Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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