happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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