I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
