mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize