Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
