Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
