I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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