Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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