I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
