Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
