dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
