but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
