mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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