69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
