i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
