mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
