he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
