He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
