It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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