Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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