so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize