You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
