I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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