I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
the liver wants what the liver wants
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
