I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
